Heart of Gold

My life is strange mixture here.

Work is Work. It doesn't matter if its in America, Korea or Anywhere else. I want to work hard. I want to be the best I can be and do a good job. I want to leave here knowing I gave it everything I could. I want to make good relationships with the kids, I want to prepare lessons well, and I want to be respected for what I do.

I have my bad kids, my good kids and the average kids. I have changed myself to cater to this program. I no longer think that its Yale being all bad but rather me and what I haven't been able to change in the 12 months that I have been here.
I still struggle in the classroom because students choose when to be absent and I can't do anything about it. If they miss my class I don't think that they have to do my homework.

I follow the policies blindly because I have to. I wish there would be some major changes because I don't like where I am at. Meetings are held and I am not important enough to be told. My kids are absent but its ok because they are older, whereas the younger ones need to be tracked down. I do everything in my job description and ask for more but it doesn't matter. I can't do anything at work. Email teaching for example.. no one writes me except for 4 students. The same 4 have been doing it for 6 months now. The email system is obsolete. 30 students don't have email, 30 don't check and another 20 don't have their emails entered into the system. I am supposed to waste an entire break writing emails to kids who don't care. Its for the parents apparently but even they don't appreciate me.

I don't have any parents who say to me Thank you for your job to my son or daughter. I never see them, or hear from them. Its just the kids everyday. I want to be more involved I want to be treated more like a Korean rather than an Outsider.

I feel like an Outsider not a foreigner but an Outsider. Someone who is not good enough to be involved in things.


So now I am going to say something real personal. I don't want to email right now I am trying to find a job, I am trying to build a future over here because I don't want to leave the only good thing in my life. I don't know how to leave and it makes me scared. I am having a 비행기 scare.


This blog is the only place I am truly honest other than when I am in person. If people are wondering where I am you need to read my blog. If I don't write another email for a month check here I am sure I am still standing. For people back home stop worrying its not worth the time. I don't want to hear any emails asking where are you? Are you ok? etc etc. I am not in danger.


I have a strong heart even though all the Mcd may catch up to me. I am certain its a lump of gold. If you melt it I still can make it into Bars.
I take kids abuse, I take work related abuse and I don't care anymore. Its not worth it.


The only thing I want to save my golden heart for is things that truly matter. Today was a hard day for me.
I didn't do anything I was supposed to.
Ma2 was great time, Mb3 was hell Tc1 I didn't do as well as I wanted and td1 well I guess I need to prepare a lot more too. It wasn't what I had in mind. I talked to myself for most of the time.

I need to talk to Mr. J but don't want to talk about the unavoidable.


Today my friends told me that we should go to Daegu. So I can't have my girlfriend meet them. My friends are why I am here. They turned my college life around. Indirectly they gave me the most precious gift I have ever received-I got it in Korea. They won't know that gift cause they can't plan accordingly. I hope that they can someday but who is to know.

I feel betrayed by friends. I was also told by many wise people back home Do everything you can in Korea,, Its your experience. Well I feel I have done everything but I m restricted and as a result I can't do more.

I pray for miracles everyday. I know I am not perfect. I live in a house that has nothing except a tv, its so hot and its gotten a reputation for being haunted these days. I live above my work place so there is no escape or privacy, I live in an area that's very hot. I am trying to do my soul search cause I want to do something that I should do differently but I don't know.


There is a smell of varnish or gas I can't determine. Maybe its both. The last two nights I have woken up at 6 am smelling gas fumes or fire. I panic now both times.

I think I need to get up earlier to call for jobs I am beyond desperate and the irony is that there isn't a thing I can do.


I came to Korea as a foreigner wanting to just see friends, earn some cash, and experience Korea. I had no expectations, I had no idea of what this experience would be. I thought I would go back home and tell people what Korea was and that would be that. Nowadays that's not what I have in my mind at all.

I am more responsible more caring and much more set up making my goals happen. I don't want to lose sight, I don't want anything to hold me back. If I fail I want to accept it not regret it.

I have been distant, lonely, and miserable lately at work cause there doesn't seem much incentive. I don't want that to be the case. Most of all I don't want to run away from a weird situation.

The Work problems are escalating. They are always present they are always the same.


Its the same for me everyday too. I can't help anyone. I can see many things before they happen but no one cares. I also seem to forget things well I don't forget I just want to figure out a better way.

나의 심혼 정직한 순수한 그리고 금의 만드는


그리고 당신에게 결코 눈 속임하지 말라


나의 사랑은 당신을 위해 진실하다


Thats my story for the day more later