I sit aimlessly in my apartment just waiting for my trip to Seoul to end. Why end well I just want to see what will happen.
So I came to some many conclusions today. I want to be a great teacher, and I want to work hard at whatever I do but I realize that doing it at this place is impossible. No matter how hard I work I will get abused and its actually worse when I do more work. I don't think of work anymore because it will always get me down.
I am done finding problems at work.
For the last year I have been living in Isolation just waiting for a brighter future just hoping that something would happen. I have expected changes in the form of students, living conditions, lifestyles, etc but to no avail.
Why am I punished? Why do I feel so miserable when all I wanted to do was make a positive difference in Korea. I put aside all of my life for a glimpse into Korean culture. I don't even want to think like that. This is Korean this is American.
What can I do? I know that the things I have established and have done here haven't been easy nor have they been all that successful but what I have in my life is way to important to just give in.
Korea is a place where many things are happening. Unfortunately English is very common and thus a lot of misunderstandings. I won't give anyone mis understanding. I can change adapt more. I never meant to hurt anyone or make difficult situations but now I think its important that we don't live in fear of what is unknown.
My life is ruined to what I don't know. What I do know I can accept. I don't want to walk away from here without given all opportunities. I don't know what there is to be afraid of but so far anything I have done hasn't made things better. The kids still don't talk English to me. They are afraid to try. My boss still walks over me, and I feel like a stranger to people I have done nothing but extend an open arm to.
I feel lonely because I can't make progress at all and no one can understand me. What am I doing? is my family right for thinking me a fool for staying?
I don't want to make a mistake I want to make things right. MR. Justifiable (POLHAM) I don't have anything but LOVE and I don't have a job yet but I will have someday.
I have given up changing YALE and the kids' attitudes nothing I say or do has made any indent on their life. I have a few students who try for me. Its not good enough. I wish people wouldn't put their kids through a system that has no hope for them.
At this point I think I can't live in Korea because where I live I am not acceptable. I have asked myself why everyday since I have been here. I have tried to understand the reasons behind these feelings and I seek to change them but I am so scared to think I won't be able to.
I think that there is a bright future behind everything. Why do we live our lives in a situation that isn't going anywhere? There is more hope somewhere else. There is a chance to make things right and make a positive change. If I leave without getting the answers I need I will be destroyed.
I have to make a plan to leave soon, I have been patient. I have thought about staying longer but I can't. I want to come back and I think living in a more open place in Korea is ideal, but I just don't know what to think.
I studied Geography because I see the world as one (no colors) just trying to make ends meet. We can do that. I am capable of anything. Lets work together to find something. I want all of our goals answered. Its so important and its all that really counts. Don't let good things slide you by. I think anything is possible.
----
So just like that its the end of another day...time is flying
Saturday, July 5, 2008
Friday, July 4, 2008
Faking
So I have been here for over a year and today I started to think about my future a lot more than I usually do.
I read some emails and got some depressing news at least to me. I don't care if people think my posts are a little off kilter but the facts are simple.
I spent my morning resting. I wanted to make a perfect morning with my darling in order to end the work week well. Tomorrow work doesn't count its a oddity that we work Saturdays and its just another reason not to work here.
I said some dangerous words today: I want to quit. I say to myself how I want to go home and pack my extra suitcase with me.
I know that there is something better. There are amazing things in Korea but I got the short end of the stick when it came to a job I know for sure we got it bad and anything could be better.
I had 6 classes.
Ma1: non-listeners and a little lack of preparation hindered a good class. The three bozos of the class were so bad I hope their mothers call and complain because every day I hear the complaining parents barging in here wanting to understand why their students are so stupid. They do this in person or on the phone. ITs cumbersome and usually I hear Foreign teacher, American, Nick Teacher. I want to go stuff their heads with a pillow at least then I could see some results.
I don't help at work there is nothing nobody will let me do.
I got disrespect from some good girls today that makes me want to seriously just walk out on class. They talked and gabbed the entire time will my two boys listened to me.
I am tired of the Sukjae wars, the problems, the complaints, the diseased habits of the two people who work there. I am tired of feeling estranged because its beyond culture shock. I will not QUIT yet but I am scared to think about more possibilities. I am one step away from begging cause I need desperation and change.
Anyways more later as I should have finished sooner. My thoughts are where they are always^^
I read some emails and got some depressing news at least to me. I don't care if people think my posts are a little off kilter but the facts are simple.
I spent my morning resting. I wanted to make a perfect morning with my darling in order to end the work week well. Tomorrow work doesn't count its a oddity that we work Saturdays and its just another reason not to work here.
I said some dangerous words today: I want to quit. I say to myself how I want to go home and pack my extra suitcase with me.
I know that there is something better. There are amazing things in Korea but I got the short end of the stick when it came to a job I know for sure we got it bad and anything could be better.
I had 6 classes.
Ma1: non-listeners and a little lack of preparation hindered a good class. The three bozos of the class were so bad I hope their mothers call and complain because every day I hear the complaining parents barging in here wanting to understand why their students are so stupid. They do this in person or on the phone. ITs cumbersome and usually I hear Foreign teacher, American, Nick Teacher. I want to go stuff their heads with a pillow at least then I could see some results.
I don't help at work there is nothing nobody will let me do.
I got disrespect from some good girls today that makes me want to seriously just walk out on class. They talked and gabbed the entire time will my two boys listened to me.
I am tired of the Sukjae wars, the problems, the complaints, the diseased habits of the two people who work there. I am tired of feeling estranged because its beyond culture shock. I will not QUIT yet but I am scared to think about more possibilities. I am one step away from begging cause I need desperation and change.
Anyways more later as I should have finished sooner. My thoughts are where they are always^^
Thursday, July 3, 2008
Sandwich Wraps
Today Christina made a wonderful snack. I want to make more. I have included the pictures in order to use for future reference I want our Kim's Restaurant to be so successful. I will buy a restaurant when I go home all for my baby to cook me wonderful foods.
Today I also realized just how much I am in Love with Christina. I haven't ever said it like that before but I don't ever feel like I have needed to. Its something that doesn't need explained nor told for its much deeper than what is on the surface.
I spent my morning preparing for a trip this weekend to Seoul. Its a time that I will see my friends and I hope that it isn't the last time I go to Seoul.
Work was a doosy. As is the case on Thursdays. Tuesday and Thursdays are perfect work days. The kids are still immature but at least they are manageable to me. I heard that a student of mine dropped, and also one of Christina's did as well.
I don't like to see kids drop especially if they are good students. I blame my boss for not improving his system. He has made 2 teachers drop and I think its 91 kids now. I counted one day. The number was in the 80's. The things I do during my break times are bothersome.
I want to write more and tell people just exactly what I think of everything. I want to work harder but nowadays I just want to establish a good career and brighter outlook.
There will always be Education and more teaching to do but who is to know
Sandwich wraps tell it all.
First layer: The Bread
Second layer: lettuce
Third Layer: meat
4th: sauces
5th: Cheese
Its all conglomorated into a healthy roll that was very delicious.
I love Sandwich Wraps and everything I have in my life thats why I will now search for a successful career to insure everything.
Just like this tasty treat I don't plan on doing mistakes. I worry about this constantly. Its too important.
Today I also realized just how much I am in Love with Christina. I haven't ever said it like that before but I don't ever feel like I have needed to. Its something that doesn't need explained nor told for its much deeper than what is on the surface.
I spent my morning preparing for a trip this weekend to Seoul. Its a time that I will see my friends and I hope that it isn't the last time I go to Seoul.
Work was a doosy. As is the case on Thursdays. Tuesday and Thursdays are perfect work days. The kids are still immature but at least they are manageable to me. I heard that a student of mine dropped, and also one of Christina's did as well.
I don't like to see kids drop especially if they are good students. I blame my boss for not improving his system. He has made 2 teachers drop and I think its 91 kids now. I counted one day. The number was in the 80's. The things I do during my break times are bothersome.
I want to write more and tell people just exactly what I think of everything. I want to work harder but nowadays I just want to establish a good career and brighter outlook.
There will always be Education and more teaching to do but who is to know
Sandwich wraps tell it all.
First layer: The Bread
Second layer: lettuce
Third Layer: meat
4th: sauces
5th: Cheese
Its all conglomorated into a healthy roll that was very delicious.
I love Sandwich Wraps and everything I have in my life thats why I will now search for a successful career to insure everything.
Just like this tasty treat I don't plan on doing mistakes. I worry about this constantly. Its too important.
Wednesday, July 2, 2008
Prejudicial Views
Today I was accused of prejudice from a student in the form of a complaining parent that wasn't directly to my face.
It bothered me a lot because it already scorns me as a human being that the kids have reduced me to a Robot and placate me at every turn. Yes, this is very negative and yes its not worth writing about but its because I am a caring sensitive person who wishes to teach properly.
Being a Teacher by definition is someone who teaches life skills through their subject area. This is my definition. You can't learn English if you don't have compassion, or a caring nature for humanity.
I do have prejudice. Its only human. Prejudice isn't what people think it is. It usually is bad but it also simply means that people have a bias. I would like to see someone who expresses themselves with no bias. Everyone is leaning in one direction or the other.
Situations never change here. I have completely given up this because I don't understand it anymore. Its not a Korean thing, its just lack of caring put forth by all parties involved, poor parenting lead to problem children, poor managing lead to a breakdown in the system.
How many years does it take until someone has a mental disorder or lapse due to the Ego centric and benign attitude that comes out of an Academy?
Today the kids comments were unwarranted...he never completely shows interest. He is always late. He doesn't give a Shit about class. There is no such thing as respect from him nor any of the other kids. Most of the words I say are Be Quiet. Its OTL and its not Teaching. That kid I personally wish would drop because he is an insincere little prick who won't change. That class is in its entirety filled with misfits who would do better in a Psych Ward.
Same with MB2. Its not their poor English skills or lack of that drive me up a wall, its the fact that they don't change at all. They don't treat me with any sort of respect. I am hugged from behind, yelled at in my face, flipped off, told bad words in Korean, I have no private space, I can't talk in English to anyone because its a busy busy busy environment and I feel like hyperventilating but the truth of the matter is, is that I am the Teacher and they are just the gold nuggets meant to bring cash to this Academy. It makes me sick
I almost feeling like giving up and just quitting now simply because its bothersome to me that my talent whatever that is, isn't going anywhere?
Am I failure? Did I do something wrong? Am I naive to think that I could educate?
Is it something I am not doing?
I wish somebody would tell me
Once again this is personal but I don't have anything to hide. I am alone in a thicket of noises that I can't make out. I have no where to fall back to Monday Wednesday and Fridays. I seriously feel that this is abuse. I don't want to teach at an Academy anymore.
I will try another place next time I come to Korea but I just hope I can go to a nice college and make a little money too. Its all thats important.
1. LOVE
2. MONEY
3. EDUCATION in a true form
Love is all that matters and all else will follow. I am not worried about that. I want to see good things come up and end the bad happenings here. I guess I will always be naive to think that something can change.
6 classes of nothing but impurity and disrespect makes me not sleep well. I can't recall a time when I have had a good class with actual teaching taking place.
I will write more soon.
It bothered me a lot because it already scorns me as a human being that the kids have reduced me to a Robot and placate me at every turn. Yes, this is very negative and yes its not worth writing about but its because I am a caring sensitive person who wishes to teach properly.
Being a Teacher by definition is someone who teaches life skills through their subject area. This is my definition. You can't learn English if you don't have compassion, or a caring nature for humanity.
I do have prejudice. Its only human. Prejudice isn't what people think it is. It usually is bad but it also simply means that people have a bias. I would like to see someone who expresses themselves with no bias. Everyone is leaning in one direction or the other.
Situations never change here. I have completely given up this because I don't understand it anymore. Its not a Korean thing, its just lack of caring put forth by all parties involved, poor parenting lead to problem children, poor managing lead to a breakdown in the system.
How many years does it take until someone has a mental disorder or lapse due to the Ego centric and benign attitude that comes out of an Academy?
Today the kids comments were unwarranted...he never completely shows interest. He is always late. He doesn't give a Shit about class. There is no such thing as respect from him nor any of the other kids. Most of the words I say are Be Quiet. Its OTL and its not Teaching. That kid I personally wish would drop because he is an insincere little prick who won't change. That class is in its entirety filled with misfits who would do better in a Psych Ward.
Same with MB2. Its not their poor English skills or lack of that drive me up a wall, its the fact that they don't change at all. They don't treat me with any sort of respect. I am hugged from behind, yelled at in my face, flipped off, told bad words in Korean, I have no private space, I can't talk in English to anyone because its a busy busy busy environment and I feel like hyperventilating but the truth of the matter is, is that I am the Teacher and they are just the gold nuggets meant to bring cash to this Academy. It makes me sick
I almost feeling like giving up and just quitting now simply because its bothersome to me that my talent whatever that is, isn't going anywhere?
Am I failure? Did I do something wrong? Am I naive to think that I could educate?
Is it something I am not doing?
I wish somebody would tell me
Once again this is personal but I don't have anything to hide. I am alone in a thicket of noises that I can't make out. I have no where to fall back to Monday Wednesday and Fridays. I seriously feel that this is abuse. I don't want to teach at an Academy anymore.
I will try another place next time I come to Korea but I just hope I can go to a nice college and make a little money too. Its all thats important.
1. LOVE
2. MONEY
3. EDUCATION in a true form
Love is all that matters and all else will follow. I am not worried about that. I want to see good things come up and end the bad happenings here. I guess I will always be naive to think that something can change.
6 classes of nothing but impurity and disrespect makes me not sleep well. I can't recall a time when I have had a good class with actual teaching taking place.
I will write more soon.
Tuesday, July 1, 2008
July Showing
Tuesday a day where anything remains possible. I had 3 and a half classes. My last class ended early so I was happy. I wish MWF could have that happen.
I am keeping busy mainly trying to figure out a good course of action to do with this job. I have too many pieces in the puzzle right now and if I can help it I would like to find something that will not be DDD its something that I am beyond and would really like to fix so it will not happen.
Watching Law and Order and lazing around here before work is nice but nothing is coming up in my emails for job hits and I am worried that I am not doing enough. I should try to figure out more here soon.
I want to end up back at college and earn a degree that will help me get a good job and make ends meet.
I will do more searches. I am still trying to put together who exactly is me and what is the best course of action.
I would like to live in Hawaii or California or just somewhere near the coast but I am not entirely sure how about getting it yet.
Its now July and I will try even more harder. June's efforts gave me a potential job it in the DC area I hope its a good one but I will have to wait until the next week to find out.
So much going on and yet so little time. I am slowly putting the puzzle together.
Right now I am feeling like I am playing Chess I hope that I am making the right moves. Maybe I worry to much but I am driven
I am keeping busy mainly trying to figure out a good course of action to do with this job. I have too many pieces in the puzzle right now and if I can help it I would like to find something that will not be DDD its something that I am beyond and would really like to fix so it will not happen.
Watching Law and Order and lazing around here before work is nice but nothing is coming up in my emails for job hits and I am worried that I am not doing enough. I should try to figure out more here soon.
I want to end up back at college and earn a degree that will help me get a good job and make ends meet.
I will do more searches. I am still trying to put together who exactly is me and what is the best course of action.
I would like to live in Hawaii or California or just somewhere near the coast but I am not entirely sure how about getting it yet.
Its now July and I will try even more harder. June's efforts gave me a potential job it in the DC area I hope its a good one but I will have to wait until the next week to find out.
So much going on and yet so little time. I am slowly putting the puzzle together.
Right now I am feeling like I am playing Chess I hope that I am making the right moves. Maybe I worry to much but I am driven
Monday, June 30, 2008
June's Closing
Well that closes out the month. Its time for the Monthly Progress Report
So things are still the usual at Yale and life in Gumi. I have been at it for 12 months on end.
This month I worked 24 days at the Academy. As is the case most of the time you will find me at work.
As I said I no longer care about solving the work problems. I wish the kids showed one ounce of decency and respect towards me. Yelling, punishing, expecting them to change doesn't happen. I enjoy a little over half of them I think simply because they do try to open themselves up and learn. Its a rare thing at a private school. As I always said to myself growing up, I believed I would never sell myself to a business just to see profitable marks. The kids seriously are just leverage for a business entrepreneurship its not something I want to be apart of. Plain and Simple I am an educator not a babysitter.
Today was another day with 6 classes
I had kids report to Miss Jeong simply so they could be explained in Korean what I need: the basics: 1. homework 2. Sticker sheet and 3. books.
Some of the kids don't even have books as a result of internal managing.
At the end of this month I figured I would stay for another month at least. I am hoping and praying for a job more than anything. Its my hope that I can fix at least one of my disadvantages.
July will be here in less than 4 hours. I hope it comes in with a bang as I do have a lot of things to do.
Hyung gok dong continues to be Hyung gok.
There are many things that we need to consider in the coming month. I leave with these thoughts hoping to sway doubt and bolster anything that I do in the coming future.
I think a lot about the future because its important simply because I am well aware of the present and its GIFTS it brings as well as its illnesses.
I want to secure a future anyway I can simply because the Future is definitely better than now. WHY? Today is always good because its right now and we have a chance to make 24 hours worth of memories.
I am not afraid of anything.
Work: I worked for a year here and I will work the rest of the time I promised up to a point. I no longer care about trying to go beyond the basic amount of work because there is nothing left to prove. If he isn't happy with me then well I did my time. I just hope I can find something before its too late.
I stayed here my contract which is living proof I can keep my word and do hard work.
I have felt enough OTL here that I know anything I do will be less stressful.
Making my goals happen will be stressful but there is no price set to high for the obstacles I wish to conquer.
I wish I knew more what to do.
So, now I want to research colleges and jobs that would be good for us. I don't want to waste a moment and figure I need to put more grit into it.
I will not Accept Failure.
July here I come may you answer all my prayers hopes and dreams and whatever you bring please don't mess with my mind.
So things are still the usual at Yale and life in Gumi. I have been at it for 12 months on end.
This month I worked 24 days at the Academy. As is the case most of the time you will find me at work.
As I said I no longer care about solving the work problems. I wish the kids showed one ounce of decency and respect towards me. Yelling, punishing, expecting them to change doesn't happen. I enjoy a little over half of them I think simply because they do try to open themselves up and learn. Its a rare thing at a private school. As I always said to myself growing up, I believed I would never sell myself to a business just to see profitable marks. The kids seriously are just leverage for a business entrepreneurship its not something I want to be apart of. Plain and Simple I am an educator not a babysitter.
Today was another day with 6 classes
I had kids report to Miss Jeong simply so they could be explained in Korean what I need: the basics: 1. homework 2. Sticker sheet and 3. books.
Some of the kids don't even have books as a result of internal managing.
At the end of this month I figured I would stay for another month at least. I am hoping and praying for a job more than anything. Its my hope that I can fix at least one of my disadvantages.
July will be here in less than 4 hours. I hope it comes in with a bang as I do have a lot of things to do.
Hyung gok dong continues to be Hyung gok.
There are many things that we need to consider in the coming month. I leave with these thoughts hoping to sway doubt and bolster anything that I do in the coming future.
I think a lot about the future because its important simply because I am well aware of the present and its GIFTS it brings as well as its illnesses.
I want to secure a future anyway I can simply because the Future is definitely better than now. WHY? Today is always good because its right now and we have a chance to make 24 hours worth of memories.
I am not afraid of anything.
Work: I worked for a year here and I will work the rest of the time I promised up to a point. I no longer care about trying to go beyond the basic amount of work because there is nothing left to prove. If he isn't happy with me then well I did my time. I just hope I can find something before its too late.
I stayed here my contract which is living proof I can keep my word and do hard work.
I have felt enough OTL here that I know anything I do will be less stressful.
Making my goals happen will be stressful but there is no price set to high for the obstacles I wish to conquer.
I wish I knew more what to do.
So, now I want to research colleges and jobs that would be good for us. I don't want to waste a moment and figure I need to put more grit into it.
I will not Accept Failure.
July here I come may you answer all my prayers hopes and dreams and whatever you bring please don't mess with my mind.
Sunday, June 29, 2008
Android Matrix
A refreshing day to alleviate the stress from the work wonders of yet another 6 day work week. This is my 53rd week in Korea and still going strong.
It being Sunday I felt like relaxing and not doing too much of anything. I have curbed my bad habits to a degree. I only go to Macdonalds twice a week now instead of everyday. I don't go to the tent anymore either. I am now back on Kimbab and I think tomorrow I have to have a Bopping Sue with my darling.
Sungjin and Jack came over today for a short visit and played computer games. They tuckered me out and it was a relief to escape downtown to have lunch with my lady and go shopping I didn't buy anything. I think I need to be more frugal nowadays.
We rented I Spy Robot because we both like Will Smith and I think we will watch the movie tomorrow as well.
Anyways, its now late and I think I need to clean more. Cleaning is big here much more than I ever did back home.
I am thinking a lot about my future because its important to be secure. I know I don't have a lot now but I have devotion to find. I pray a big job will come my way soon.
Tomorrow its back to being full throttle busy and little to no time to rest and recreate.
I hope to change that too. I am not interested in solving the Academy Problems this week. Tomorrow marks the end of the 12th month I have been here and therefore will be followed with a big story as well.
I hope to make that story wonderful and long!
Lets not let work drag us down. All that's important is determining how to make things work out instead of the job problems
Constants
1. My love grows
2. I am more determined and nothing can steer me away.
3. Work will be work. the problems will always be there its best to look beyond
Today is nice there isn't a thing to worry about or care about other than being with yours truly.
Its going to be exciting here soon!
It being Sunday I felt like relaxing and not doing too much of anything. I have curbed my bad habits to a degree. I only go to Macdonalds twice a week now instead of everyday. I don't go to the tent anymore either. I am now back on Kimbab and I think tomorrow I have to have a Bopping Sue with my darling.
Sungjin and Jack came over today for a short visit and played computer games. They tuckered me out and it was a relief to escape downtown to have lunch with my lady and go shopping I didn't buy anything. I think I need to be more frugal nowadays.
We rented I Spy Robot because we both like Will Smith and I think we will watch the movie tomorrow as well.
Anyways, its now late and I think I need to clean more. Cleaning is big here much more than I ever did back home.
I am thinking a lot about my future because its important to be secure. I know I don't have a lot now but I have devotion to find. I pray a big job will come my way soon.
Tomorrow its back to being full throttle busy and little to no time to rest and recreate.
I hope to change that too. I am not interested in solving the Academy Problems this week. Tomorrow marks the end of the 12th month I have been here and therefore will be followed with a big story as well.
I hope to make that story wonderful and long!
Lets not let work drag us down. All that's important is determining how to make things work out instead of the job problems
Constants
1. My love grows
2. I am more determined and nothing can steer me away.
3. Work will be work. the problems will always be there its best to look beyond
Today is nice there isn't a thing to worry about or care about other than being with yours truly.
Its going to be exciting here soon!
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