Freedom of Fear

I sit aimlessly in my apartment just waiting for my trip to Seoul to end. Why end well I just want to see what will happen.


So I came to some many conclusions today. I want to be a great teacher, and I want to work hard at whatever I do but I realize that doing it at this place is impossible. No matter how hard I work I will get abused and its actually worse when I do more work. I don't think of work anymore because it will always get me down.

I am done finding problems at work.


For the last year I have been living in Isolation just waiting for a brighter future just hoping that something would happen. I have expected changes in the form of students, living conditions, lifestyles, etc but to no avail.


Why am I punished? Why do I feel so miserable when all I wanted to do was make a positive difference in Korea. I put aside all of my life for a glimpse into Korean culture. I don't even want to think like that. This is Korean this is American.


What can I do? I know that the things I have established and have done here haven't been easy nor have they been all that successful but what I have in my life is way to important to just give in.


Korea is a place where many things are happening. Unfortunately English is very common and thus a lot of misunderstandings. I won't give anyone mis understanding. I can change adapt more. I never meant to hurt anyone or make difficult situations but now I think its important that we don't live in fear of what is unknown.


My life is ruined to what I don't know. What I do know I can accept. I don't want to walk away from here without given all opportunities. I don't know what there is to be afraid of but so far anything I have done hasn't made things better. The kids still don't talk English to me. They are afraid to try. My boss still walks over me, and I feel like a stranger to people I have done nothing but extend an open arm to.

I feel lonely because I can't make progress at all and no one can understand me. What am I doing? is my family right for thinking me a fool for staying?


I don't want to make a mistake I want to make things right. MR. Justifiable (POLHAM) I don't have anything but LOVE and I don't have a job yet but I will have someday.


I have given up changing YALE and the kids' attitudes nothing I say or do has made any indent on their life. I have a few students who try for me. Its not good enough. I wish people wouldn't put their kids through a system that has no hope for them.


At this point I think I can't live in Korea because where I live I am not acceptable. I have asked myself why everyday since I have been here. I have tried to understand the reasons behind these feelings and I seek to change them but I am so scared to think I won't be able to.


I think that there is a bright future behind everything. Why do we live our lives in a situation that isn't going anywhere? There is more hope somewhere else. There is a chance to make things right and make a positive change. If I leave without getting the answers I need I will be destroyed.

I have to make a plan to leave soon, I have been patient. I have thought about staying longer but I can't. I want to come back and I think living in a more open place in Korea is ideal, but I just don't know what to think.


I studied Geography because I see the world as one (no colors) just trying to make ends meet. We can do that. I am capable of anything. Lets work together to find something. I want all of our goals answered. Its so important and its all that really counts. Don't let good things slide you by. I think anything is possible.


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So just like that its the end of another day...time is flying